Bitter-Sweet 8th Nov 2014 _ #CousinVibes

My wonderful late great grandma was laid to rest on the 27^th of September...

This utmost unfortunate event brought together families from all over
And obviously those in my interest were my generation
Those I had last seen close to 10years ago
Those who seem to have even outgrown me
Those I had no idea I would find myself bonding with and loving every minute of it
Those I had only ever heard of yet had not officially met
Those bubbly holy loving cousins that blame the parents
For our long lost connection J

A lot that has changed over the “10years” was caught up with on that one single day

We reconnected and the family love was rekindled
That one single day we cried together, ate together,
Laughed together and talked for hours together
We enjoyed each other’s company so much so that we suggested a Get-Together
For the 8^th Nov 2014, as “cousins”only, under different circumstances
For the purposes of “Getting to know each other”and “Having a good time” whilst at it
Knowing each other?! We DEFINITELY did, even beyond what we had thought
Having a good time?! So and so, there and there, definitely NOT from start of day till end
I’ll just go on and blame it on the liquor BUT some serious misconduct transpired
And they need to be addressed

I won’t go about and lay down exact details of the incidents here for the world to judge us

And I won’t be any judge of any kind as well; it is neither my place nor character
I will though, be critically opinionated
Especially since this get-together was hosted at MY place of residence
Anyway, before I get to that, the part where most people would probably say “Ke iketsa betere”
Where they’ll probably misinterpret my words on paper and start judging me instead
I will start by addressing my most enjoyed episodes

So we had: One Molebale and Friend; One Legodi and Friend; Two Janis and friend;

One Chaane; One Makhudu and friend; Two Ginindas and friends
This summed up 14 lovely individuals and history makers #LOL
8 beautiful ladies and 6 handsome guys
Cast for epic series of events in 24hours alone
We had a combination of Royal Pains; Vampire Diaries; Wrestling
Including Dr Phil moments as well
It was a night to remember I must say

So the ladies started by the swimming pool

To cool off from the heat of the day
Then later we collected the money contributions
And we all split to do some shopping for the food and drinks
The weather decided to take a turn and rain on us
So no more Braai, instead we had a barrel of 21pieces of KFC
We showed the rain who the bosses were when we started our chill session
...By the shelter with some music, drinks and hubbly.
One thing I just remembered now now is that:
I put on some gospel music and we were preparing for prayer, BUT WE NEVER PRAYED!!
For some reason the music was changed and WE NEVER GOT TO PRAY!!
#This was the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF THE NIGHT

Chaane was terrified of actually getting in the pool

So much so that she remained by the shallow step the entire afternoon
...Until she had 2/3 of her favourite drinks later
Then she was all over the pool and loving every moment
Legodi just loves swimming
And with the lessons from one of Gininda friends, she got better and better at it
Janis (My Boere cuzzies as I normally call them)
They were comfy with “Oom Landlord” showing them the do’s and don’ts in the pool

Legodi’s Friend, a very lovely lady, free spirited and pretty

Makhudu and friend were welcomed whole heartedly that we dedicated the gathering to them
Why? Because no-one believed they would actually make it
Makhudu just has this thing of telling half truths #LOL and not living up to promises
Well I am personally proud that he proved us wrong this time around
Everyone was impressed, big ups man
One Jani couldn’t make it #sad ... but next time he better be there
One Gininda is funny and always complains, he was suggesting we go to other places that evening
After every half an hour he would say he’s leaving #LOL
(he was actually the last person to leave the next day)
He’s just crazy fun in any ways, earned the name“Spoornet”

One Gininda is quiet and was always busy with the hubbly bubbly

He loves the phrases “F#$K THAT SH*T” and “GANGSTER SH*T” #LOL
I’m still crazy about his bucket hat though
One of Gininda friends, the Will Smith look-alike is just super sweet shame
No problems, no stress, just always having fun
All smiles, drinking and dancing all night, and “loving”people
Causing no trouble for anyone, he was the first person to sleep though...**hahaha**

So we had dinner and then around 8pm...

Myself (Molebale), one Jani and friend, took my friend to her workplace
By the way thank you guys for that kind gesture
So now there were 13 of us left
The rain hadn’t stopped, yet Chaane and I decided to go swimming
So we dragged everyone else with us and took the party up to the pool area
It was sooo much fun, it became some kind of unplanned pool party
Everyone was in pool despite some other “situations” and no one even minded #LOL
One of Gininda’s friends, jumped in with his shoes, cap, jeans and t-shirt on #EPIC
After the pool, he spent almost the whole night in my night gown as everything of his was wet
This earned him the names “RraDitlhako (Mr Shoes)”and “Stjwetla”

The night went on all fun and loud

Party was moved to the house, by the bar area. Where the first weird crazy incident happened
Then everyone suddenly changed to being Dr Phil, lol myself included
You know how they say “Alcohol triggers the ‘truth’ muscle in the brain”??
I still wonder if that is indeed so
I mean weird things just come out of a person when they’ve had one too many to drink
I speak this from experience too, you just cannot help it. So I won’t judge
I should suppose this was an opportunity for us to learn
That as cousins we actually really want the best for each other
How we tried to be Oprah’s and Dr Phil’s was kind of cute
How we learned that the next outing “who should NOT be drinking what and why”

All went back to normal, the situation subsided then the party was moved to my room

Jika-Ma-Jika happened yho people can dance
One Jani, Legodi friend and Makhudu friend were dancing like WOW(as in they were NOT getting tired)
But they can’t beat the Chaane dance move
This move was discovered on the 27^thSep, with one of “our” uncles #LOL
Well this time around Chaane was dancing with “Mr Shoes”
Oh and Spoornet CANNOT dance I can testify because I saw the video,
Shame he’s just like me **hahaha**

It slowly got chilled and relaxed and some began to sleep

Legodi and Makhudu friend slept... By this time Will Smith look-alike was Looong gone
Then everyone else chilled for a while until probably 05:00am
We were all settled in our spots very much prepared for sleep...
...when the VampireDiaries began and woke EVERYONE up
This was then followed by Wrestling which then woke the rest of the others in the house
So not impressive, all this was extremely shocking to see happening right out of nowhere

It all felt surreal, felt like I needed to be woken up quick because it wasn’t nice

I need to state this that I was disappointed, hurt, shocked, and angry and confused
It made no sense how all of that just “happened” after such a lovely time we were having
I felt like screaming yet nothing came out
Note To Cousins: This issue still needs to be sorted out, we all deserve an explanation
We cannot just sit and take the apologies for such a huge offense
That was a massive F#$k up, and to this day I’m still upset about it
I do not want to hold grudges, I hate it. But I as the ‘host’ felt really disrespected
And I feel I truly need a One on One session with the Vampire/JohnCena of the day
To get a proper apology and an explanation
The 2 victims (bitten and beaten) also need to understand where all that erupted from
I hope they all well

Although it was made certain that everyone leaves with some kind of smile on their faces

I bet Questions and Confusions were throbbing in their heads...
For now I can safely say “Our Vamp” needs a mini punishment until we get his whole story
The deal is, the next gathering or two, we cannot have Vamp
‘Cousy’ if you will read this, please note that we do NOT hate you,so please don’t make us..
What happened was VERY WRONG and SCARY, DANGEROUS and SHOCKING
Hence I think we all deserve to understand what happened
For starters, my reputation got shattered as the tenant in that place
Second of all, I charge for my tears, so you owe me big time
Lastly, I’m writing this with my room still a mess because I just have no energy to do anything

Before this turns into a bible, I’ll close up by saying to my Spoornet cousins:

I LOVE YOU ALL REGARDLESS ...
I HAD A GOOD TIME REGARDLESS ...
I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN SOON!!!

The 8^th November 2014 was filled with Bitter-Sweet memories

History was made I suppose –We have pictures and videos to prove it.

#ViaSpoornet #CousinVibes #FamilyMatters #LoveNoMatterWhat #SpoornetCousins

#JANI #LEGODI #MOLEBALE #CHAANE #MAKHUDU #GININDA #AndFRIENDS

MY SILENT THERAPY

During the years of my life

...I discovered the one and only way to deal with my emotions of anger.

I finally found the best way to calm myself down and avoid further heartbreak,
To avoid further annoyance,
And avoid making matters worse.
This “magical weapon” of mine is SILENCE.

As much as I’m in love with words,

I do not like voicing them out, I rather prefer jolting them down
... And letting the world inside of me this way.
Once I’m upset and forced to share my thoughts and emotions verbally,
I explode and refuse to hear reason.
It’s like the more I speak about my anger, the more I feel:
Invincible; Selfish; Superior; and just NOT wrong

The more I speak the more the anger boils.

The more the boiled anger, the bad the ink on paper
... The arrogant and hurtful words flow easy and are written with no consideration.
Some kind of hatred for the next person develops out of nowhere,
For the mere fact that this person is forcing me to do something I’m not used to.
Yes it may be out of the goodness of their heart, meaning well and thinking they are helping...
To me, a massive part of me kicks them to my bad books slowly and surely.

I’m not sure how I expect people to react to my silence.

But the one person I know that handles it best is my mother.
She treats my silence with the silence of her own...
We’ve had Mother-Daughter fights a few times,
Where I would just apologised anyways even when I sometimes didn’t mean it;
Where I would get soo mad at her that I wouldn’t speak to her for a few days,
She reflected that right back to me.
Strangely this allowed me time for my soul search;
Time and space to weigh both our viewpoints without being bias,
Eventually I would understand how and why she was right and I was wrong (or vice versa).

With this understanding, I would accept that even if she was right (or wrong sometimes, lol)

She’s human too like I am.
She is one of the people that care about me and so she obviously means well.
For this one fact that she gave me my space and time to corroborate this by myself,
I would love her even more and that “meaningless apology” would turn to be truly meant.
This gave me, ‘once again’ - another opportunity/freedom of choice,
To speak to her with this understanding, calmness and acceptance
...It is with this acceptance that I would make sure the deed is not repeated.
I feel my silence is my best way of respecting the other person,
And I know not of any other better way (I don’t even want to learn any).

If all those close to me would react this very way to this silent “therapy” of mine,

I believe the chances of me hurting others would be lowered,
And there would be less heartache around me.
I know for certain that time is never guaranteed...
But I prefer spending this time finding myself and righting my wrong,
Than worrying and feeling bad about the things I said and did during an emotional ordeal.

I believe things can be changed to either the best or the worst in a fraction of a second.

I also believe that this can easily be due to the word of mouth.
Saying something out of anger and being unable to take it back, ever!
This could change everything,
How it would always hang above one’s head even in the happiest days.
I believe it’s better to wish I had said something, than wishing I had NOT.
Because what I wish I had said, can always be said now,
Better built in better words and certainty of not hurting anyone...
Even if the person is no more, the freedom of no regret for having said something hurtful remains

I know I have said hurtful things to people and have not apologized for it, I’M SORRY.

I know I have written hurtful things that people felt were/are directed to them, I’M SORRY.
If I have done hurtful things to people without being aware of it or apologising for it, I’M SORRY.
Unfortunately I cannot apologise for being me, so this apology is for the things I say, write, and do... when I’m PUSHED OUT of my comfort zone, when I’m pushed to NOT be me.
When cornered and feeling like I have no way out, I lose it.
I lose some tiny bit of my sanity, the little bunch of manners and respect fly out the window.
It’s something I cannot help, and I’m not sure if this falls under what many may call “an excuse”.
But this is me, it’s how I am, and I do not have any better way to be what some may call “better”.

One thing for certain I do NOT enjoy causing pain to another being.

Be it an enemy (if I have any), or a friend...
Let alone an animal for that matter.
So from the bottom of my heart I sincerely apologise for all the pain I have caused.
And I whole heartedly ask to be given my SILENT MOMENTS
– for they are my only drive to Happiness.

ACCEPTANCE

To accept, you need not to completely understand

But to completely understand and move on, you need to accept

Acceptance isn’t hard, but painful

It is powerfully courageous towards an “understanding” mission, which may sometimes be difficult

Not impossible, but just difficult, or rather I say challenging

Most times when reality strikes hard we tend to lose focus

And then turn the blame on God

He wouldn’t test our patience and faith abilities if He didn’t think it necessary

We are most certainly stronger than we may appear to be

We just lack to believe that we are

Being hard on ourselves will only break us

So we need to accept

Our hearts may be broken, eyes extremely wet

Slightly running out of breath

But reality check – life has to go on

It awaits nobody, and it is not guaranteed eternity

We are Born, We are Raised, We are Loved, and We Grow

We see, we hear, we say, we feel

We witness, we experience, and we learn to live, to love and to leave

We are capable of anything, nothing is impossible

Acceptance is not impossible

Sometimes what we do does not define who we are

We don’t feel offence because we lack wisdom

We don’t cry because we are weak

We are human, and sensitivity is our most extraordinary founding character

What defines who we are is how well we stand after falling

How well we mend ourselves after breaking

Love without limit, Forgive without doubt

Speak without fear, Smile every pain away

Look up to God and say “You’re still the greatest!”

Thank him for what you have, and what you’ve had till this very day

Who you have and who you’ve had till this moment

And most importantly, another day to live, learn, and love

For all the days you’ve had since the very first

Good or Bad

Happy or Sad

Just Accept

Because somewhere out there, somewhere up there

There’s more than a few that love and adore you

More than a few that is less privileged than you are

Be grateful and learn to accept

Learn to believe that all is done in His Powers

Because His Will shall always be done

Tears are dried through acceptance

A smile is created through believing, through acceptance

A heart is healed and made happy through understanding, through acceptance

And the engine of Life awaits your ignition

Your very own happiness can only be determined and created by you and Him

Just accept!

GONE…

27/10/2014

This day marks a full month since we buried you

Yet I still question the reality of it all

Here’s what’s in my heart...

 

Helpless

Breathless

Lifeless

This is your current state of being, such being I still refuse to believe

Not around yet I feel your presence

I may not see you

Touch or even speak to you

But your memories are never faded

It’s because of these memories that I so long to be with you now

To hear your voice, to see your smile

To get a squeezing hug from you

When I heard… I felt I was in a dream

In desperate need of being awakened

At the thought of you gone… Tears form in my eyes at the speed of light

They run down my face like an overflowing river

My heart pounds in painful disbelief and I still hope I’m dreaming

Falling asleep is nearly impossible

I lay there tossing and turning

Wishing and hoping to get a phone call

… With your joyful voice at the other end of the line

I promise I’m trying my best to digest this

Trying to accept it with all my might

If you’re really gone, If you can see me, if you can hear me

If you are my most recent Angel

Then I pray that you grant me the strength to move on

To fully accept that you’re GONE!!

I TRULY MISS YOU GRAMS

‘TILL WE MEET AGAIN

RAESEJA SALAMINAH MALATSE – LOVE YOU FOREVER

GRANDMA (KOKO)

I get pissed at them saying “she gave up too soon”...

It frustrates me because NOBODY knows the pain she was going through.

 

We are sinking in our very own pool of tears for we were never ready to let her go.

For it feels just too sudden; she was too strong to fall so sudden.

Was she tired?? Everyone gets tired one may suppose and I won’t be angry at her for that

 

Right this moment, in this situation... I feel a muddle of different emotions.

**I feel HAPPY; for God’s will was done, for we cannot see her suffering any longer, she is healed, rested, and will remain our guide for infinity and beyond, she did all she could with all her might to shape and protect her family.

**I feel SAD; for I will never see her again, I will never get to hear her laugh, shout at me and tell me she loves me at the same time. I’m Sad because my little sisters will miss her dearly, and because they will not get to experience the many years I had with her and wished they could get too.

**I feel UPSET; at the fact that now everyone thinks they knew what was going on! Now everyone thinks they can tell what the problem was! IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT!!! They were never there when the problem needed to be dealt with! Now that God took care of it, they feel it’s time to say what should’ve been done! It is wrong and annoying.

**I feel GLAD; because she fought for some period of time, for some people it may seem like it was a short while, but for a strong person to actually feel and be at some point defeated by pain must mean the pain is definitely unbearable. She probably must have had the pain all along and was just not letting it out.

**I feel SICK; at the fact that she was then never diagnosed.

**I feel TIRED; from the many sleepless nights crying at the thought of her being unable to do for self, at the thought of her being that weak.

**I feel PROUD; that she was MY granny, that she accomplished all she could, that she knew how much I loved her, that she constantly reminded me how proud she actually was of me, that she raised me the way she did, and that she instilled in me the most important principles of life and the most moral virtues one needs to have.

**I feel BLESSED; because her last words to me were “I love you, be strong and God Bless”

 

I will NOT question GOD.

But I will cry, and a lot for that matter;

Not because I wish it could be undone, but simply because I will miss her so very much.

I will cry at the pain of loss that I can only imagine my mom is going through.

I will cry at the thought of my sister having had not enough time with her.

I will cry at the memory of her voice, the precious smile she always wore, the jokes she used to crack, the oh-so-unforgettable things she used to say, the dance moves she always had. She always knew how to make everyone laugh and have a good time.

 

I will cry at the memory of her calling one person with all her children's names.

I will cry at the memory of her “HMM-HMM SONG” one that she always sang unaware, one that gave her away, her own sweet signature, her trend.

 

Allow me to cry, for it’s my only way to feel better. I just need to be hugged and given allowance to cry for my own reasons without having to feel bad about it!

 

I WILL CRY FOR AS LONG AS I WANT!
I KNOW SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!! TIL I MEET HER AGAIN

ME this day 25/08/14!!!

Today is just the worst day… I don’t know how I feel but it’s definitely not good. I feel lost and like I don’t know what I want, this is so unlike me!

“For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be.”

These are the words I often use to calm myself down.

Intertwined with my inner self, and allowing no-one to interrupt my being.
This way I can breathe easy with crystal white eyes, no tears and no fastened heart-beat.
I always seek peace;I always seek to be happy first before others!!!
Maybe that’s just me being selfish, but honestly it is the one and only way I can make others happy.

I need my space too; that’s how I was raised…

I can’t think clearly when I’m clustered, I can’t think at all.
I need my time too; I’m developing extreme hatred lately due to somehow being forced to feel guilty for putting myself first.
I don’t want to feel guilty for laughing at a joke, not answering my phone or actually answering a “rhetorical” question. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for my own choices!

Yes I make mistakes but I hate it when they are counted for me...

I get frustrated when they are rubbed in and stated out to make me feel like I’m stupid and I’m liar.
I cannot reach every expectation! I am not perfect! I do not appreciate being forced to change who I am “just because...”!

I admit to doing wrong, its only human nature. But I need to sit by myself and decide that indeed I’m wrong because I have no problem apologising,that I can do sincerely and then I’ll fix myself.

I do not need to be fixed by anyone; it’s the kind of ordeal I hate.

I have decided lately to start charging for my tears.

They may come easy, but every drop is my heartbreak, and it’s now at the verge of being unfixable.
I cannot allow to be made to feel small; I avenge that with all my might.
The smile on my face today, it’s not real... I’m screaming so loud inside I could be heard by the deaf… I won’t be better when instructed to, and I have realised that even if I try as hard as I can, it doesn’t happen. I’m not used to that and maybe it’s because I have pledged at an early age to not ever be “fixed” by any other human being. If that’s me being stubborn, then maybe I shall forever be.

Fourteen years of my life I have witnessed what others thought was true love, adorable and amazing... turn out to be the most monstrous extremely possessive relationship ever. It all started with simple jealousy, to massive insecurity issues, then obsession, and finally violence that could have led to one of the two being killed had it not been for God’s intervention. With this I have learned to not entirely trust human “LOVE”, it is an amazing feeling but like I have said before “This Love, is Dangerous!”

I’m only human, I hurt too, and physical pain may not make me cry much-but words do, Confusion does. I hardly ever let things get to me, but maybe I’m just fooling myself but sometimes it works for me to do just ME… I know I may walk tall with my chin up, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect… I’m far from it and I always try to cover it with a smile or something smart to say, just until I figure it all out – ON MY OWN!!! So leave me be, leave me to fix me where I feel needs fixing.

I just need my space back, that’s all! I need to breathe…

For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be!!!

LETTER TO MY FUTURE UNBORN CHILD... ANGEL!!!

How I long to hear your sweet cry for the first time. I imagine it will be the sweetest sound I would ever hear. I know it will be the change of my life for the better.

I would spend nights staring at your precious face, thanking God for the greatest blessing. The joyous announcement that your dad and I would make to our family and friends.

As we would become a family of three.

When I would experience the greatest joy of my life.

 

Because of you, I would be a mom. One of the things I hear to be the greatest role in the world.

Because of you, I would know the deepest meaning of love.

Because of you, I would strive to be the best I can be.

Because of you, I would feel complete.

You my daughter will change my life in the absolute best way possible. I read somewhere that having a child is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body… That, I’m still due to witness.

 

It would be amazing to see the changes you will go through over the years of growing. You’ll go from an itsy bitsy tiny baby to a walking and talking one.

From sleeping away the day snuggled in my arms to climbing on me like I’m a jungle gym.

From reaching at objects on your play mat, to learning how to wave good-byes and give high-fives.

From baby coos to babbling then your first words, Papa and Mama.

From being a baby to being considered a toddler (even though you will always and forever be my baby).

I can’t wait for the happy baby you will be, with a smile to light up the room.

The love you will give. From your smiles to your hugs and kisses and best of all the cuddles. I would never get enough of you.

 

I imagine you being FUNNY!

Making crazy noises that would make everyone laugh.

Loving the attention and once you’d have it, definitely keep it.

I imagine you laughing with me and your daddy right at the same moments.

I imagine you well known at the grocery store.

Flirting with everyone in your eye-sight whenever we’d be out for dinner.

Making others smile and bringing them joy.

You are already so special to me, and I am already so proud to call you mine.

 

I have so many hopes and dreams for you in this life. I know that God has a purpose for you and He is going to use you to do amazing things.

I pray you’ll  have the confidence to be who you want to be.

I pray for you the courage to go after your dreams and the determination to not give up.

I pray that you’ll be brave when faced with challenges.

That you have compassion for others and a giving heart. Most of all, I pray that you get the most out of the life you will be blessed with.

 

No matter what, I will always be there for you. I will be there to hold your hand when you need support.

 Lend an ear when you want to talk.

Pick you up when you fall and most of all guide you the best way I can through your beautiful life. The most important thing I want you to know is that you will be loved. So very loved.

 

I already love you to the moon and back my sweet Angel.