Excuses? Disappointments? “REASONS!!!”

There’s always reasons for not having had lived up to your word. Most reasons too cliché to believe but we take them anyway; some very understandable and clearly honest (with evidence and all) those we find easy and quick to believe; and others just pure obvious lies. Do you ever wonder which kinds of reasons you mostly have to tell, or expect to be given? Which ones you fall for or expect people to fall for?

Aaron Neville said it that “EveryBody Plays The Fool...sometimes!!!” [But think of it with Life in general and not necessarily Love... ok love too]

Every single person in this world, dead or alive... has been disappointed and has disappointed at some point. Not so? But the question is why does it still surprise people when it happens again, why does it hurt them? Some people even kill themselves... in this nice lifetime? Yho! I just don’t get it really. Shockingly so, even “Believers” tend to think God disappoints. Is it Him that disappoints or is it a person’s impatience; Misunderstanding; too much expectations; Denial or the inability to accept?

I think people need to LEARN to ACCEPT that nobody and nothing can ever be perfect, that way I think there will be less heartache, DISAPPOINTMENTS, and hatred really. Because all these negative feeling towards a person or a thing (lol, funny but true hey, some people somaar hate certain THINGS due to their high expectations of them, seriously... Grow Up!!) Actually result from unmet expectations. Erase all of that, think and believe in doing for self before expecting things to be done for you. Know and accept the possibility/chance of not getting things your way, I know how frustrating it is when things are not going your way, but keep calm about it. I mean how can you expect one to be happy and satisfied with your way of doing things when you are unable to return the same favor? You CAN’T, you SHOULDN'T!! How can you expect someone to believe your reasons for not having lived up to your word, if you’re unable to do the same when the table are turned? You CAN’T, you SHOULDN'T!!

I live up to my own expectations, so if any disappointments then I’ll have myself to blame… I think it’s better that way, because only “I” have the power and choice to change that and turn it all around to make something worthwhile from it and be happy. I do NOT expect much from anyone, I DON’T expect anything really… and a lot of people I surround myself with know this, some feel I am weird when I don’t get all excited about something; when I don’t go crazy looking forward to something; when I don’t make a big deal out of disappointments; even when I advise them to not put their hopes and expectations high. I have learned to accept the highly possible chances of things not going as expected, that way I avoid the feeling of helplessness and disappointment.

I think what I do daily at work have also contributed to this particular character of mine that people don’t seem to get. Currently, I am a debt collector, one of the most interesting jobs I tell you; where the collection results are almost always unpredictable, we work with people, telephonically yes, and all we do is communicate with them; believe we can convince them; and then once we feel we have convinced them, we cross fingers and hope they don’t change their minds after hanging up. When I pick up the phone at work and dial to contact a client/debtor I get rid of any of my moods, because I know that chances are that I can either find this person in the worst or best mood. Therefore no expectations whatsoever.

I remember my first few days when I was still excited about my new job, was finishing my first year as a Communication Science student that year… one day I made a phone call to a debtor in my oh-so-happy mood, but only to be put down [like yho, way on the floor] with insults from this person and his wife, my gosh I could not believe my ears, I thought I wasn't hearing well, I was so confused and so hurt because I didn't expect anything like that AT ALL. I cried that day and my whole day was just ruined, even when I got home I still couldn't believe it. I cried to my parents about it and I found myself feeling like I hated my job, I was so angry with those people but my parents helped keep my cool.

But now I’m a tough cookie, I know better and I use this knowledge to my advantage, I use this knowledge as my way forward, I use this knowledge the best way I see fit. Objectivity/Neutrality; I give what I do my best, however I still remind myself of the probabilities and to still remain fair.

I feel I have finally figured it out, I have found one of the keys to MY happiness. Acceptance (the key), acceptance that Nobody and Nothing is perfect.

Keep Calm and have no expectations of anybody and anything, and your things will go smOOth.

MOMMY DEAREST!

I love my Mom, so so much… probably more than I did before 2009. What happened then? I will tell after this…

So my mommy had me at a young tender age, She shares with me some of the stories of when she was pregnant with me, when she was in labour, when she saw me for the first time and forgot all the pain she was in a few minutes before, well you know, the stories every mother tells about the labour pains, hers just stands out (maybe coz she’s my mommy). Sweet touchy stories she tells me, and although they all sweet and lovely words she uses, I can only imagine how it must’ve been hard for her at that age.

And out of the biggest love she has for me, she has lovingly guided me to surviving that stage she toughly went through. And I can safely say she’s this day a proud mother of a childless intelligent 22year old lady (big head for me, lol) , who makes wise decisions from her mom’s teachings, and who’s learned and keeps learning from her mom’s experiences. My mommy is a super MOM and that one fact, grows my love for her daily.

I was there to witness most of her struggles, the challenges she encountered in her journey to shaping a better future for me… I saw and wiped her tears, cried with and for her, I felt every pain she felt and yet she always made sure I didn’t feel responsible for it. She’s not a woman of many many words, and she and I have this internal understanding where sometimes we just communicate without words or much action but our eyes (priceless).Gosh I love this woman.

I envy her bravery; she inspires and motivates me without even trying to. Her wise choices and her strong intelligent reasoning. She holds no grudge, many people who should’ve been always there for her have wronged her on more occasions than ever allowed, yet she still possesses a strong forgiving heart. She has always considered me first in everything she did and even said, though I guess that’s what all loving mothers do. But I mean with her, she had a choice to have a better life that I believe she deserves, yet she chose to take difficult paths which were all for my sake I gradually learnt with the years, and for that I love her even more.

Mommy is a private person (and she might not like that I’m writing about her on the internet _ Oopsy) … *Sorry mom, but I can’t help it, you’re just too awesome and I want the world to know how proud and grateful I am to be your daughter (and I bet when my 2 younger sisters grow older and mature they will bare same testimony)*.

She and I have not always been veeery close, but we were close to being that. Strict woman she was and still is, and I respectfully feared her at times and still do (I was quiet but naughty I know and she always enforced change and discipline in her own oh-so-sadly-but-funny-unforgettable ways, lol). I love and thank you for that mommy! Ok so I could fill up a bible talking about this woman. So now back to my statement about 2009…

… I was in my confirmation journey at church when we went camping for a week at Bosco Centre. We were informed late about it yet she went out of her way to get it paid so that I could go, it was worth every cent. Anyway, 3days into the camping we were taught about babies and stuff, birth and abortion too, and they screened the abortion process for us… Lord what we saw (viewer discretion was advised by the way, and I chose to stay and watch), unbelievable cruelty, a choice that leads to 5-10min of a bloody horrific internal murder. One that my lovely mother believed to rather struggle with and for me than take. For that mommy I will forever be grateful, and I salute every mother out there for that one life-giving choice they’ve made. You deserve all the love and gratitude in the world, especially if you have no regrets for that choice… I know my mommy doesn’t!

I love you to the moon and back mommy, for all you have been for me and still are, all you have done and sacrificed to give me the best life you believed I deserve. You are Wonderful, Amazing and such a perfect Angel to me, you are a Blessing, you are Special to my heart, and you are every good thing and more.

#Always_Know_This ILOVEYOUSOSOMUCH

All So Sudden!

So this past weekend was filled with things to do, one of which Iwas not so eager to get to. The Funeral. My dad's aunt from Tembisa, whom I had not even met in my entire life, passed on a week earlier after a short period of illness (that's as far as I know, as it was all in the orbituary)... One of the reasons I don't like funerals is the speechlessness I feel when at it, choosing the right words to say becomes difficult for me, hence I don't even ever ask questions.

Anyways, my dad texted me the week before on a saturday night, I saw the text the following day in the morning. The contents of the text was basically brief info about 'who from where' has passed on and when the burial will be... being the good daughter that I am I texted back my condolences and asked him to call me later in the day(no idea why, coz I had no idea what I would say to him). Missed his phonecall later in the evening so he called me again on Monday morning and we spoke, I felt the tiny awkwardness as I had no real strong comforting words to say(I suck at that) with relation to the death of his aunt, but he kinda made it easy for me because we spoke about a variety of things first, the conversation lasted no more than 8minutes, and the last 2minutes of the phonecall I heard myself asking "when are WE heading to Tembisa?". and then we arranged for Friday evening. during the course of the week we communicated on the sleeping arrangements, the time to leave Pretoria, who else is coming along with us and so forth.

Cold friday evening we were headed down to Tembisa, me being me and not really knowing what to expect(because I always avoid funerals with all my might) I wondered the whole way there. We got there and all was arranged for us, it was quiet busy, everyone was doing something, except for the congregation that came for the all night prayers, and me (not good). Time passed and me and those I came with headed to sleep. Morning of the burial, when we reached the family house and I saw the coffin, gosh that's when it truly hit me that these people have lost their loved one. I started feeling uncomfortable, as if suddenly being sick. thoughts raised in my head with tears in my eyes ; "This woman, lifelessly laying in that coffin, was a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, cousin, an aunt... she was loved and cared for and will obviously truly be missed." I put myself in the daughters' shoes and my heart broke helplessly. I couldn't stand it anymore that I went and waited in the car, thinking if I should even go to the cemetry or not. After a few minutes I was calm, then I decided I will go to the cemetry after all...

Had I known that there would be many more families holding their different burial services at the same cemetry, on the same row as we were, I swear I would NOT have gone. I saw tears wherever I looked and at first I thought not to think much of it, but really now! at a cemetry? what more is there to think of. I could not hold my tears back any longer as I felt the pain and the loss that this family had encountered. I felt so blessed to still have those that I love, but at the same time felt really bad for feeling that blessing at that point and time. Terrible emotions ran through me, the cries of the daughters and sons, the mothers and fathers, the sisters and brothers that were laying their loved ones to rest that morning pierced through my ears and then my heart that it started palpitating as I tried holding back my own tears to no success.Now this is One Main reason I don't like funerals.

I count my blessings daily and I thank the Almighty for all that I still have, I've thown away hatred  and scratched out 'HATE' from my vocab. Because life is unpredictable to be holding grudges and  still I say 'to be following the rules' ... I appreciate all that is done for me and with me, I say my "Sorry's and Thank You's" where it is due, I smile and declare my love, for you never know if you'll ever be granted the chance to sincerely say them to someone's face again... it doesn't matter how many times I say them, it beats not saying them at all while my loved ones are still alive. Death comes so sudden, whether someone was ill or not, the pain of the loss is still the same. It's unpreparable, just All So Sudden.

#Make_Wise_Decisions

The Feeling!!

This feeling I get, when I feel like I'm feeling what I have always felt the need to feel, so muddled yet so free at it... not easily explained yet so simply defined within me. This is the feeling I felt this very morning when I opened my eyes and I knew "I am where i want to be, literaly this minute, with who i want to be with!". you know when you have been induldged in a certain involvement with certain people, and you try imagining how and where you would be without them at that particular moment, when nothing comes to mind then you should know for sure that for that period, at that point, that's where you belong!!

Alright, maybe the lines above makes my point uneasy to get. What I'm trying to put out to you is this, when you find yourself randomly smiling at some inner hard-to-explain emotions, then you should know that's a breeze of a Blessing passing through you, grab it and hold on for as long as it makes you smile. Not everything goes according to plan all the time, that's why breaking the rules feels exciting at times. It brings some life into a person, this utmost igniting fear that makes the blood rush, leaves one wondering "Did I just do that? " "Geez that aint right" , yet you do it anyways because it feels right... The biggest achievement from breaking rules is not regreting it later on but feeling good about it.

This probably sounds like the worst advice ever... maybe it is. but hey, I come across a lot of people saying "You Only Live Once" , I say "You Only Die Once" so make the most out of each day you get blessed with, because life is mostly made short by the choices we make, always trying to be good and doing the right thing... forcing everything to go according to plan. Well I don't plan, I go with the flow. I love everyone in my life because they help me discover me, in every aspect. Most of all I love the one I woke up next to this very day, for when I did I felt that feeling I had always felt the need to feel.

Right this minute, I am breaking a rule, and it feels Awesome!!

It Starts With You !!!

Take a minute and think of those who don’t have parents, food, clothing, shelter and education opportunities… How do you feel after that? What are you doing to help them? Do you know that there is something you can do to help them?

What we see on the media about the “poor” nations of the world is absolutely real. If you put yourself in these peoples’ shoes, try, only trying going two days and two nights without all the basic needs with you, you will realize that it’s not easy, it isn’t simple what they are going through. But you don’t need to do that, it only takes being human enough and having a heart, to can imagine what they’re going through and letting emotions decide what to do about it. So are you human enough? Do you have a heart?

Abuse, in any way, is the most horrible experience one can ever go through, rich or old, in any part of the world. Now imagine a 5year old going through sexual, physical and mental abuse, all these done by the very people that are supposed to play parent roles… please, let’s help these little boys and girls.

Whatever religion, gender, race and nationality you are, there must be a point in your life when you’ve wondered about your purpose in the world. Well it’s not only to live, but to help those finding it hard to, due to certain situations… the problem with most people is that we tend to get too comfortable with what we have (things we don’t even NEED) that we end up forgetting that there are people out there in NEED of the basic things we take for granted.

Being the reason for a smile on someone’s face brings an overwhelming feeling, imagine the feeling when its more than 20people smiling from gratitude because of you! You don’t really need pictures and videos to be convinced about reaching out and helping others. You just need an understanding ability of the words ’orphan, poor, less-privileged, abused and helpless’ to be even a little moved. Sue me for telling it like it is!

It only starts with one hand. One heart. One YOU!!!