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| Sit & Wonder |
I haven't written in a while...but that's alright.
Usually I'd feel bad about not having written anything, but I've come to acknowledge and accept what I've been preaching to myself and others all along; That 'writing needs inspiration'!
So since you're reading this, it obviously means I've been inspired. Yes, I have!
..Have you ever sat and wondered what you would do and how you'd feel when that one person you love dies???
Ok I know, you probably going like "whoa Kokie, what the actual hell?" LOL.
NB: You don't have to continue reading if you don't wanna dwell into that, because that's what I think I might just do, dwell into death. Jeez, that came out creepy.
I actually get inspiration from it recently and it drains me out so much that writing about it feels like I'm double living it so I end up not writing anything. Death is relevant, it is so relevant because it's the one certainty of life. The relevance of Life is Death. death happens because life exists, meaning without death there wouldn't really be life... and vise versa. And the only reason death hurts so much is because of the existence of love. We live and we love different people in different ways, we grow and make memories, and we create bonds so tight that they form a thick fog that covers our thoughts and acknowledgement of this certainty of life. We choose to forget it exists, which works better for us don't get me wrong, but it's because of this choice that when it happens it comes as a shock and hurts like nothing we could've ever imagined.
Oh and no I'm not about to come up with a solution, I absolutely couldn't; imagine what a hollow mess I'd be from the many people I'd have to loose as an experiment just for that solution..
I'm just merely about to share what led to this post and my feelings about it that's all.
I see you've decided to keep reading, cool.. You've come this far so note that it may be a long read ...
-Have you ever really wondered?
Well I have... And the process of wondering alone feels like crap. And what's crazy is that it lasts for a few days, that whole misery of fighting the uncomfortable edge of even imagining a life without them.
So recently I experienced a little psychotic moment that threw me off for a few hours following a miscommunication, And trust me it was psychotic... looking back at it now, to think a mere misinformation plus wild imagination could drive a person psychotic like that is just crazy.
So what happened is that I had not been updated about a certain situation of a certain somebody and I couldn't further clarify this as all contact was dead within minutes.. so that led me to creating my own scenarios, imagining that person lying somewhere in a ditch hurt or even dead and that freaked me out to a point of palpitations, chest pains, sweating and my heads spinning with endless thoughts. It was frustrating because I couldn't pull even a single thread of a positive thought, not even for a second.
And after two whole hours of insanity I received the most chilled out phone call from that person and I felt like all along my heart had stopped pumping blood and after hearing their voice I felt my flood start flowing and I could breath again. The phone call was soothing, it was like a heart massage or a painless healing from a terrible fight and I found myself crying within seconds of the call. I had this knot on my throat and tears just rolled down because I recognized this soothing feeling and I remembered that not everyone gets to have it when they need it the most.
I've had it before; several times when my mom had been in the hospital, for both births of my younger sisters because there were a lot of complications, for an operation, and for an almost fatal allergic reaction... every time she came out of the hospital I had this feeling. This is the feeling I longed for, for months on end after hearing of my great-grandmother's passing [and I'm still hoping for it].
This incident made me realize that it all happens because of love. Love is a trick. A beautiful trick when it wants to, but still a trick nonetheless.
It grabs you when you least expect it and it forces you to think there's nothing more necessary in this life.
It has us in the palm of it's hands and we always fall for it. The thing is, love is the first thing we automatically grasp onto, waayyy before we can even learn about death. So we don't have a choice for a way out really, we are trapped in love from the get go. As much as it makes things easy and beautiful, it makes them equally difficult too to accept even the smallest change that's far from our own expectations, and it's very sad once you actually think about it.
It's scary having to look at and think of the chances of loosing the people you love, loosing them to death. The chances are actually high because people die everyday. Thinking about now and I'm welling up in tears.
Sometimes when I look at the people I love I get filled with so much sadness, because I haven't figured out a way to deal with the idea of them not around... Gone... Forever.
My boyfriend always asks me "what's up?" when he catches me staring at him, I'd be admiring him and thinking about this issue at the same time. I do it with my family too and sometimes I'm able to brush it off and enjoy the moment but sometimes it's too overwhelming that it breaks me into pieces and crushes my mood for days.
I talk a lot and joke around all the time that I annoy myself sometimes, but when I'm overcome by these thoughts my days become gloomy and I don't find reason to joke around or talk about anything.. It's very frustrating because deep down I'd want to get back to the bubbly me but it would be impossible to automatically switch moods. I'd have to patiently wait for everything to calm down in my head and live along.
I wake up grateful to God every morning, for having kept me alive to witness more love from the people close to me, and I pray that He washes off the pain of death from all of us one day.
This love hurts.
And this post is very much open for discussion, if anyone out there experiences the same or even different... please share, don't be locked up in those thoughts alone!!!
