ME this day 25/08/14!!!

Today is just the worst day… I don’t know how I feel but it’s definitely not good. I feel lost and like I don’t know what I want, this is so unlike me!

“For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be.”

These are the words I often use to calm myself down.

Intertwined with my inner self, and allowing no-one to interrupt my being.
This way I can breathe easy with crystal white eyes, no tears and no fastened heart-beat.
I always seek peace;I always seek to be happy first before others!!!
Maybe that’s just me being selfish, but honestly it is the one and only way I can make others happy.

I need my space too; that’s how I was raised…

I can’t think clearly when I’m clustered, I can’t think at all.
I need my time too; I’m developing extreme hatred lately due to somehow being forced to feel guilty for putting myself first.
I don’t want to feel guilty for laughing at a joke, not answering my phone or actually answering a “rhetorical” question. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for my own choices!

Yes I make mistakes but I hate it when they are counted for me...

I get frustrated when they are rubbed in and stated out to make me feel like I’m stupid and I’m liar.
I cannot reach every expectation! I am not perfect! I do not appreciate being forced to change who I am “just because...”!

I admit to doing wrong, its only human nature. But I need to sit by myself and decide that indeed I’m wrong because I have no problem apologising,that I can do sincerely and then I’ll fix myself.

I do not need to be fixed by anyone; it’s the kind of ordeal I hate.

I have decided lately to start charging for my tears.

They may come easy, but every drop is my heartbreak, and it’s now at the verge of being unfixable.
I cannot allow to be made to feel small; I avenge that with all my might.
The smile on my face today, it’s not real... I’m screaming so loud inside I could be heard by the deaf… I won’t be better when instructed to, and I have realised that even if I try as hard as I can, it doesn’t happen. I’m not used to that and maybe it’s because I have pledged at an early age to not ever be “fixed” by any other human being. If that’s me being stubborn, then maybe I shall forever be.

Fourteen years of my life I have witnessed what others thought was true love, adorable and amazing... turn out to be the most monstrous extremely possessive relationship ever. It all started with simple jealousy, to massive insecurity issues, then obsession, and finally violence that could have led to one of the two being killed had it not been for God’s intervention. With this I have learned to not entirely trust human “LOVE”, it is an amazing feeling but like I have said before “This Love, is Dangerous!”

I’m only human, I hurt too, and physical pain may not make me cry much-but words do, Confusion does. I hardly ever let things get to me, but maybe I’m just fooling myself but sometimes it works for me to do just ME… I know I may walk tall with my chin up, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect… I’m far from it and I always try to cover it with a smile or something smart to say, just until I figure it all out – ON MY OWN!!! So leave me be, leave me to fix me where I feel needs fixing.

I just need my space back, that’s all! I need to breathe…

For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be!!!