I get pissed at them saying “she gave up too
soon”...
It frustrates me because NOBODY knows the pain she was going through.
We are sinking in our very own pool of tears
for we were never ready to let her go.
For it feels just too sudden; she was too
strong to fall so sudden.
Was she tired?? Everyone gets tired one may suppose
and I won’t be angry at her for that
Right this moment, in this situation... I feel
a muddle of different emotions.
**I feel HAPPY;
for God’s will was done, for we cannot see her suffering any longer, she is
healed, rested, and will remain our guide for infinity and beyond, she did all
she could with all her might to shape and protect her family.
**I feel SAD;
for I will never see her again, I will never get to hear her laugh, shout at me
and tell me she loves me at the same time. I’m Sad because my little sisters
will miss her dearly, and because they will not get to experience the many
years I had with her and wished they could get too.
**I feel UPSET;
at the fact that now everyone thinks they knew what was going on! Now everyone
thinks they can tell what the problem was! IT’S
TOO LATE FOR THAT!!! They were never there when the problem needed to be
dealt with! Now that God took care of it, they feel it’s time to say what
should’ve been done! It is wrong and annoying.
**I feel GLAD;
because she fought for some period of time, for some people it may seem like it
was a short while, but for a strong person to actually feel and be at some
point defeated by pain must mean the pain is definitely unbearable. She
probably must have had the pain all along and was just not letting it out.
**I feel SICK;
at the fact that she was then never diagnosed.
**I feel TIRED;
from the many sleepless nights crying at the thought of her being unable to do
for self, at the thought of her being that weak.
**I feel PROUD;
that she was MY granny, that she accomplished all she could, that she knew how
much I loved her, that she constantly reminded me how proud she actually was of
me, that she raised me the way she did, and that she instilled in me the most
important principles of life and the most moral virtues one needs to have.
**I feel BLESSED;
because her last words to me were “I love you, be strong and God Bless”
I will NOT
question GOD.
But I will cry, and a lot for that matter;
Not because I wish it could be undone, but simply
because I will miss her so very much.
I will cry at the pain of loss that I can only imagine
my mom is going through.
I will cry at the thought of my sister having
had not enough time with her.
I will cry at the memory of her voice, the
precious smile she always wore, the jokes she used to crack, the oh-so-unforgettable
things she used to say, the dance moves she always had. She always knew how to make everyone laugh and have a good time.
I will cry at the memory of her calling one person with all her children's names.
I will cry at the memory of her “HMM-HMM SONG” one that she always sang
unaware, one that gave her away, her own sweet signature, her trend.
Allow me to cry, for it’s my only way to feel
better. I just need to be hugged and given allowance to cry for my own reasons without
having to feel bad about it!
I KNOW SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!! TIL I MEET HER AGAIN
