MY SILENT THERAPY

During the years of my life

...I discovered the one and only way to deal with my emotions of anger.

I finally found the best way to calm myself down and avoid further heartbreak,
To avoid further annoyance,
And avoid making matters worse.
This “magical weapon” of mine is SILENCE.

As much as I’m in love with words,

I do not like voicing them out, I rather prefer jolting them down
... And letting the world inside of me this way.
Once I’m upset and forced to share my thoughts and emotions verbally,
I explode and refuse to hear reason.
It’s like the more I speak about my anger, the more I feel:
Invincible; Selfish; Superior; and just NOT wrong

The more I speak the more the anger boils.

The more the boiled anger, the bad the ink on paper
... The arrogant and hurtful words flow easy and are written with no consideration.
Some kind of hatred for the next person develops out of nowhere,
For the mere fact that this person is forcing me to do something I’m not used to.
Yes it may be out of the goodness of their heart, meaning well and thinking they are helping...
To me, a massive part of me kicks them to my bad books slowly and surely.

I’m not sure how I expect people to react to my silence.

But the one person I know that handles it best is my mother.
She treats my silence with the silence of her own...
We’ve had Mother-Daughter fights a few times,
Where I would just apologised anyways even when I sometimes didn’t mean it;
Where I would get soo mad at her that I wouldn’t speak to her for a few days,
She reflected that right back to me.
Strangely this allowed me time for my soul search;
Time and space to weigh both our viewpoints without being bias,
Eventually I would understand how and why she was right and I was wrong (or vice versa).

With this understanding, I would accept that even if she was right (or wrong sometimes, lol)

She’s human too like I am.
She is one of the people that care about me and so she obviously means well.
For this one fact that she gave me my space and time to corroborate this by myself,
I would love her even more and that “meaningless apology” would turn to be truly meant.
This gave me, ‘once again’ - another opportunity/freedom of choice,
To speak to her with this understanding, calmness and acceptance
...It is with this acceptance that I would make sure the deed is not repeated.
I feel my silence is my best way of respecting the other person,
And I know not of any other better way (I don’t even want to learn any).

If all those close to me would react this very way to this silent “therapy” of mine,

I believe the chances of me hurting others would be lowered,
And there would be less heartache around me.
I know for certain that time is never guaranteed...
But I prefer spending this time finding myself and righting my wrong,
Than worrying and feeling bad about the things I said and did during an emotional ordeal.

I believe things can be changed to either the best or the worst in a fraction of a second.

I also believe that this can easily be due to the word of mouth.
Saying something out of anger and being unable to take it back, ever!
This could change everything,
How it would always hang above one’s head even in the happiest days.
I believe it’s better to wish I had said something, than wishing I had NOT.
Because what I wish I had said, can always be said now,
Better built in better words and certainty of not hurting anyone...
Even if the person is no more, the freedom of no regret for having said something hurtful remains

I know I have said hurtful things to people and have not apologized for it, I’M SORRY.

I know I have written hurtful things that people felt were/are directed to them, I’M SORRY.
If I have done hurtful things to people without being aware of it or apologising for it, I’M SORRY.
Unfortunately I cannot apologise for being me, so this apology is for the things I say, write, and do... when I’m PUSHED OUT of my comfort zone, when I’m pushed to NOT be me.
When cornered and feeling like I have no way out, I lose it.
I lose some tiny bit of my sanity, the little bunch of manners and respect fly out the window.
It’s something I cannot help, and I’m not sure if this falls under what many may call “an excuse”.
But this is me, it’s how I am, and I do not have any better way to be what some may call “better”.

One thing for certain I do NOT enjoy causing pain to another being.

Be it an enemy (if I have any), or a friend...
Let alone an animal for that matter.
So from the bottom of my heart I sincerely apologise for all the pain I have caused.
And I whole heartedly ask to be given my SILENT MOMENTS
– for they are my only drive to Happiness.