ACCEPTANCE

To accept, you need not to completely understand

But to completely understand and move on, you need to accept

Acceptance isn’t hard, but painful

It is powerfully courageous towards an “understanding” mission, which may sometimes be difficult

Not impossible, but just difficult, or rather I say challenging

Most times when reality strikes hard we tend to lose focus

And then turn the blame on God

He wouldn’t test our patience and faith abilities if He didn’t think it necessary

We are most certainly stronger than we may appear to be

We just lack to believe that we are

Being hard on ourselves will only break us

So we need to accept

Our hearts may be broken, eyes extremely wet

Slightly running out of breath

But reality check – life has to go on

It awaits nobody, and it is not guaranteed eternity

We are Born, We are Raised, We are Loved, and We Grow

We see, we hear, we say, we feel

We witness, we experience, and we learn to live, to love and to leave

We are capable of anything, nothing is impossible

Acceptance is not impossible

Sometimes what we do does not define who we are

We don’t feel offence because we lack wisdom

We don’t cry because we are weak

We are human, and sensitivity is our most extraordinary founding character

What defines who we are is how well we stand after falling

How well we mend ourselves after breaking

Love without limit, Forgive without doubt

Speak without fear, Smile every pain away

Look up to God and say “You’re still the greatest!”

Thank him for what you have, and what you’ve had till this very day

Who you have and who you’ve had till this moment

And most importantly, another day to live, learn, and love

For all the days you’ve had since the very first

Good or Bad

Happy or Sad

Just Accept

Because somewhere out there, somewhere up there

There’s more than a few that love and adore you

More than a few that is less privileged than you are

Be grateful and learn to accept

Learn to believe that all is done in His Powers

Because His Will shall always be done

Tears are dried through acceptance

A smile is created through believing, through acceptance

A heart is healed and made happy through understanding, through acceptance

And the engine of Life awaits your ignition

Your very own happiness can only be determined and created by you and Him

Just accept!

GONE…

27/10/2014

This day marks a full month since we buried you

Yet I still question the reality of it all

Here’s what’s in my heart...

 

Helpless

Breathless

Lifeless

This is your current state of being, such being I still refuse to believe

Not around yet I feel your presence

I may not see you

Touch or even speak to you

But your memories are never faded

It’s because of these memories that I so long to be with you now

To hear your voice, to see your smile

To get a squeezing hug from you

When I heard… I felt I was in a dream

In desperate need of being awakened

At the thought of you gone… Tears form in my eyes at the speed of light

They run down my face like an overflowing river

My heart pounds in painful disbelief and I still hope I’m dreaming

Falling asleep is nearly impossible

I lay there tossing and turning

Wishing and hoping to get a phone call

… With your joyful voice at the other end of the line

I promise I’m trying my best to digest this

Trying to accept it with all my might

If you’re really gone, If you can see me, if you can hear me

If you are my most recent Angel

Then I pray that you grant me the strength to move on

To fully accept that you’re GONE!!

I TRULY MISS YOU GRAMS

‘TILL WE MEET AGAIN

RAESEJA SALAMINAH MALATSE – LOVE YOU FOREVER

GRANDMA (KOKO)

I get pissed at them saying “she gave up too soon”...

It frustrates me because NOBODY knows the pain she was going through.

 

We are sinking in our very own pool of tears for we were never ready to let her go.

For it feels just too sudden; she was too strong to fall so sudden.

Was she tired?? Everyone gets tired one may suppose and I won’t be angry at her for that

 

Right this moment, in this situation... I feel a muddle of different emotions.

**I feel HAPPY; for God’s will was done, for we cannot see her suffering any longer, she is healed, rested, and will remain our guide for infinity and beyond, she did all she could with all her might to shape and protect her family.

**I feel SAD; for I will never see her again, I will never get to hear her laugh, shout at me and tell me she loves me at the same time. I’m Sad because my little sisters will miss her dearly, and because they will not get to experience the many years I had with her and wished they could get too.

**I feel UPSET; at the fact that now everyone thinks they knew what was going on! Now everyone thinks they can tell what the problem was! IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT!!! They were never there when the problem needed to be dealt with! Now that God took care of it, they feel it’s time to say what should’ve been done! It is wrong and annoying.

**I feel GLAD; because she fought for some period of time, for some people it may seem like it was a short while, but for a strong person to actually feel and be at some point defeated by pain must mean the pain is definitely unbearable. She probably must have had the pain all along and was just not letting it out.

**I feel SICK; at the fact that she was then never diagnosed.

**I feel TIRED; from the many sleepless nights crying at the thought of her being unable to do for self, at the thought of her being that weak.

**I feel PROUD; that she was MY granny, that she accomplished all she could, that she knew how much I loved her, that she constantly reminded me how proud she actually was of me, that she raised me the way she did, and that she instilled in me the most important principles of life and the most moral virtues one needs to have.

**I feel BLESSED; because her last words to me were “I love you, be strong and God Bless”

 

I will NOT question GOD.

But I will cry, and a lot for that matter;

Not because I wish it could be undone, but simply because I will miss her so very much.

I will cry at the pain of loss that I can only imagine my mom is going through.

I will cry at the thought of my sister having had not enough time with her.

I will cry at the memory of her voice, the precious smile she always wore, the jokes she used to crack, the oh-so-unforgettable things she used to say, the dance moves she always had. She always knew how to make everyone laugh and have a good time.

 

I will cry at the memory of her calling one person with all her children's names.

I will cry at the memory of her “HMM-HMM SONG” one that she always sang unaware, one that gave her away, her own sweet signature, her trend.

 

Allow me to cry, for it’s my only way to feel better. I just need to be hugged and given allowance to cry for my own reasons without having to feel bad about it!

 

I WILL CRY FOR AS LONG AS I WANT!
I KNOW SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!! TIL I MEET HER AGAIN

ME this day 25/08/14!!!

Today is just the worst day… I don’t know how I feel but it’s definitely not good. I feel lost and like I don’t know what I want, this is so unlike me!

“For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be.”

These are the words I often use to calm myself down.

Intertwined with my inner self, and allowing no-one to interrupt my being.
This way I can breathe easy with crystal white eyes, no tears and no fastened heart-beat.
I always seek peace;I always seek to be happy first before others!!!
Maybe that’s just me being selfish, but honestly it is the one and only way I can make others happy.

I need my space too; that’s how I was raised…

I can’t think clearly when I’m clustered, I can’t think at all.
I need my time too; I’m developing extreme hatred lately due to somehow being forced to feel guilty for putting myself first.
I don’t want to feel guilty for laughing at a joke, not answering my phone or actually answering a “rhetorical” question. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for my own choices!

Yes I make mistakes but I hate it when they are counted for me...

I get frustrated when they are rubbed in and stated out to make me feel like I’m stupid and I’m liar.
I cannot reach every expectation! I am not perfect! I do not appreciate being forced to change who I am “just because...”!

I admit to doing wrong, its only human nature. But I need to sit by myself and decide that indeed I’m wrong because I have no problem apologising,that I can do sincerely and then I’ll fix myself.

I do not need to be fixed by anyone; it’s the kind of ordeal I hate.

I have decided lately to start charging for my tears.

They may come easy, but every drop is my heartbreak, and it’s now at the verge of being unfixable.
I cannot allow to be made to feel small; I avenge that with all my might.
The smile on my face today, it’s not real... I’m screaming so loud inside I could be heard by the deaf… I won’t be better when instructed to, and I have realised that even if I try as hard as I can, it doesn’t happen. I’m not used to that and maybe it’s because I have pledged at an early age to not ever be “fixed” by any other human being. If that’s me being stubborn, then maybe I shall forever be.

Fourteen years of my life I have witnessed what others thought was true love, adorable and amazing... turn out to be the most monstrous extremely possessive relationship ever. It all started with simple jealousy, to massive insecurity issues, then obsession, and finally violence that could have led to one of the two being killed had it not been for God’s intervention. With this I have learned to not entirely trust human “LOVE”, it is an amazing feeling but like I have said before “This Love, is Dangerous!”

I’m only human, I hurt too, and physical pain may not make me cry much-but words do, Confusion does. I hardly ever let things get to me, but maybe I’m just fooling myself but sometimes it works for me to do just ME… I know I may walk tall with my chin up, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect… I’m far from it and I always try to cover it with a smile or something smart to say, just until I figure it all out – ON MY OWN!!! So leave me be, leave me to fix me where I feel needs fixing.

I just need my space back, that’s all! I need to breathe…

For its MYSELF I know I’ll forever be!!!

LETTER TO MY FUTURE UNBORN CHILD... ANGEL!!!

How I long to hear your sweet cry for the first time. I imagine it will be the sweetest sound I would ever hear. I know it will be the change of my life for the better.

I would spend nights staring at your precious face, thanking God for the greatest blessing. The joyous announcement that your dad and I would make to our family and friends.

As we would become a family of three.

When I would experience the greatest joy of my life.

 

Because of you, I would be a mom. One of the things I hear to be the greatest role in the world.

Because of you, I would know the deepest meaning of love.

Because of you, I would strive to be the best I can be.

Because of you, I would feel complete.

You my daughter will change my life in the absolute best way possible. I read somewhere that having a child is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body… That, I’m still due to witness.

 

It would be amazing to see the changes you will go through over the years of growing. You’ll go from an itsy bitsy tiny baby to a walking and talking one.

From sleeping away the day snuggled in my arms to climbing on me like I’m a jungle gym.

From reaching at objects on your play mat, to learning how to wave good-byes and give high-fives.

From baby coos to babbling then your first words, Papa and Mama.

From being a baby to being considered a toddler (even though you will always and forever be my baby).

I can’t wait for the happy baby you will be, with a smile to light up the room.

The love you will give. From your smiles to your hugs and kisses and best of all the cuddles. I would never get enough of you.

 

I imagine you being FUNNY!

Making crazy noises that would make everyone laugh.

Loving the attention and once you’d have it, definitely keep it.

I imagine you laughing with me and your daddy right at the same moments.

I imagine you well known at the grocery store.

Flirting with everyone in your eye-sight whenever we’d be out for dinner.

Making others smile and bringing them joy.

You are already so special to me, and I am already so proud to call you mine.

 

I have so many hopes and dreams for you in this life. I know that God has a purpose for you and He is going to use you to do amazing things.

I pray you’ll  have the confidence to be who you want to be.

I pray for you the courage to go after your dreams and the determination to not give up.

I pray that you’ll be brave when faced with challenges.

That you have compassion for others and a giving heart. Most of all, I pray that you get the most out of the life you will be blessed with.

 

No matter what, I will always be there for you. I will be there to hold your hand when you need support.

 Lend an ear when you want to talk.

Pick you up when you fall and most of all guide you the best way I can through your beautiful life. The most important thing I want you to know is that you will be loved. So very loved.

 

I already love you to the moon and back my sweet Angel.

 

THIS LOVE...

What kind of love is this?

Love so strong.

Love so strong it expels the mind from the brain.
Emotions that compel the true sanity out an innocent being.
Love that temporarily blinds even the widest eyes, “temporary” being the longest while.

This is Dangerous love!

How does one express such, verbally so... in words alone and nothing more?
How does one show it without being seen as stupid or naive?
This love so clear it needs not more time to understand what it is.
Where it comes from one may never know, but it is here... Right now.
Poisonous is what it is.

Love so Evidently and Psychologically Messy.

Like a dark cloud that hangs over ones’ head and strikes a deafening thunder or blinding lightning every now and then.

Constantly wakes one up from countless sleeps.
Leads an unconscious state to the loveliest paradise if there is such a place.

If none of all these make sense, then I am most certainly poisoned. I’m in danger.

Danger from the choices made by my heart, neglected and ignored at first but eventually lost in its existence.

Love. Love? Love! Sucks but it’s said to be wonderful.

For limited moments it feels amazing, until it locks one up to play victim of a heart in pain.

Restless nights tossing and turning... busy-minded-days trying to figure out how this came about.
Oh no it is never planned. And when one feels this, there’s no turning back.
You become enslaved to your own emotions.
Too proud to put in detail what is felt, this is the rightfully wrong kind of love.

Is there ever a way out? A safe route away from such a trap...

Oh yes, Love is a trap. A DOME of no colour nor sound.

Created without warning.
Attacks with no manual of dealing with it.
No easy way out!

What kind of love is this?

Love so strong.

Love so strong it expels the mind from the brain.
Emotions that compel the true sanity out an innocent being.
Love that temporarily blinds even the widest eyes, “temporary” being the longest while.

This is Dangerous love

The love I find myself muddled in.

Cogitating to find solution only to find confusion...
And migraine, Lol.

Keeping myself intact, thinking I have it under control. LYING TO MYSELF

Arg, This Love though...

When is it ever Enough? DECISIONS DECISION!!!

When does one ever be sure that “it’s enough”? 

The thoughts and the words.

The tasks, Prayers and demands.

The Pain and the Love.

The excitement, anger, and happiness.

The ‘Fun’. The Money… The TIME REALLY!!!

 

It all comes to some kind of end, but is it ever enough? Okay, for that moment it may be enough, but then that means it’s not entirely enough, just ALMOST… and almost doesn’t really count. It’s like something we were created with, the feel that ITS NOT ENOUGH, it ‘could be better’. Is that what we call Greed? Selfishness?

 

Guess one will never know, because whatever definition may be formed for this could end up being added upon, edited, or even debated upon. It just won’t be enough. I think it’s the inability to decide on satisfaction, accept the decision made and stop looking to add it up… it is that inability which makes people change their mind countless times, by this situations are led to being LIES and CHEATS.

 

Not pointing fingers, for I still believe that no flesh-and-blood-men that has ever lived, still lives and will ever live… was, is, and will ever be perfect. That’s just how it is.

 

For the past couple of weeks I had been craving to write and share a little piece of my mind… every single day I would think of great deals of titles to write about, but I never could put it down and together because I thought I should think of something better, that whatever I thought was not good or long enough, or not to the point yet. I would allow sleep to overcome my thinking and made myself believe I was tired and when I wake I would have a better title. This made a great loss of good and intelligent-sounding “articles” that I could have been put down for the whole world to see, LOL, but it’s alright.

 

Mense, decisiveness is one most powerful and wilful act there ever could be. Sad when one cannot reach a final decision. We always think we have, but when we begin to wonder about it, start with the “what if’s”, we should be aware that that’s the exact moment of doubt. However if we can be strong enough to make one decision and one decision only, without wondering about the “what if’s“, then big ups. Except none of us can. Decision is one tricky thing to do, there’s either a good or a bad one. Make a good one and live life wondering how it would have felt to have made the bad one... same thing when it’s the other way around.

 

Maybe it’s in our nature, these ‘human being’ creatures are unfortunately never always satisfied, I included of course. Although I’m practicing a No-Regret lifestyle, so far so good. I take whatever comes my way as is and change it when and if I want to, then I learn to deal with it, without pondering on how it would feel  like to have made it differently... like the rules I almost always break ;).

 

Anyway, enough with breaking the rules for the day... that’s my decision today. Sticking to it.

Gosh I missed writing. #GodBless