I would if I could...

01 Oct 2015_04:51am

-Kokie Molie

I would if I could...

I would

Scream at the top of my lungs

Let out this silence of this so called strength that has been hung, inside of me

This knot in my throat, one in my stomach and the other one tangled up in my heart

If I could

I would

Loudly sing along with your melodious voice in my head

Stretch out my hand and hold on to you tightly close to my heart

Call back at you calling out my name, call on you without feeling the pain

If I could

I would

Laugh out loud at our funny memories

Jokes we used to crack in the cracks of dawn

Fearing God and quickly taking back judgments we’d impulsively make on life

If I could

I would if I could but I can’t,

And it’s probably only human that I fear judgement from others,

Of being pushed into categories of insanity

Mingled with definitions of instability.

This I fear.

I’m only human, and I would if I could but I can’t!

Maybe one day...

It all painfully hurts, because of LOVE!

Sit & Wonder

I haven't written in a while...but that's alright.
Usually I'd feel bad about not having written anything, but I've come to acknowledge and accept what I've been preaching to myself and others all along; That 'writing needs inspiration'!

So since you're reading this, it obviously means I've been inspired. Yes, I have!

..Have you ever sat and wondered what you would do and how you'd feel when that one person you love dies???

Ok I know, you probably going like "whoa Kokie, what the actual hell?" LOL.

NB: You don't have to continue reading if you don't wanna dwell into that, because that's what I think I might just do, dwell into death. Jeez, that came out creepy.

I actually get inspiration from it recently and it drains me out so much that writing about it feels like I'm double living it so I end up not writing anything. Death is relevant, it is so relevant because it's the one certainty of life. The relevance of Life is Death. death happens because life exists, meaning without death there wouldn't really be life... and vise versa. And the only reason death hurts so much is because of the existence of love. We live and we love different people in different ways, we grow and make memories, and we create bonds so tight that they form a thick fog that covers our thoughts and acknowledgement of this certainty of life. We choose to forget it exists, which works better for us don't get me wrong, but it's because of this choice that when it happens it comes as a shock and hurts like nothing we could've ever imagined.

Oh and no I'm not about to come up with a solution, I absolutely couldn't; imagine what a hollow mess I'd be from the many people I'd have to loose as an experiment just for that solution..
I'm just merely about to share what led to this post and my feelings about it that's all.

I see you've decided to keep reading, cool.. You've come this far so note that it may be a long read ...
-Have you ever really wondered?

Well I have... And the process of wondering alone feels like crap. And what's crazy is that it lasts for a few days, that whole misery of fighting the uncomfortable edge of even imagining a life without them.

So recently I experienced a little psychotic moment that threw me off for a few hours following a miscommunication, And trust me it was psychotic... looking back at it now, to think a mere misinformation plus wild imagination could drive a person psychotic like that is just crazy.
So what happened is that I had not been updated about a certain situation of a certain somebody and I couldn't further clarify this as all contact was dead within minutes.. so that led me to creating my own scenarios, imagining that person lying somewhere in a ditch hurt or even dead and that freaked me out to a point of palpitations, chest pains, sweating and my heads spinning with endless thoughts. It was frustrating because I couldn't pull even a single thread of a positive thought, not even for a second.
And after two whole hours of insanity I received the most chilled out phone call from that person and I felt like all along my heart had stopped pumping blood and after hearing their voice I felt my flood start flowing and I could breath again. The phone call was soothing, it was like a heart massage or a painless healing from a terrible fight and I found myself crying within seconds of the call. I had this knot on my throat and tears just rolled down because I recognized this soothing feeling and I remembered that not everyone gets to have it when they need it the most.

I've had it before; several times when my mom had been in the hospital, for both births of my younger sisters because there were a lot of complications, for an operation, and for an almost fatal allergic reaction... every time she came out of the hospital I had this feeling. This is the feeling I longed for, for months on end after hearing of my great-grandmother's passing [and I'm still hoping for it].

This incident made me realize that it all happens because of love. Love is a trick. A beautiful trick when it wants to, but still a trick nonetheless.
It grabs you when you least expect it and it forces you to think there's nothing more necessary in this life.
It has us in the palm of it's hands and we always fall for it. The thing is, love is the first thing we automatically grasp onto, waayyy before we can even learn about death. So we don't have a choice for a way out really, we are trapped in love from the get go. As much as it makes things easy and beautiful, it makes them equally difficult too to accept even the smallest change that's far from our own expectations, and it's very sad once you actually think about it.

It's scary having to look at and think of the chances of loosing the people you love, loosing them to death. The chances are actually high because people die everyday. Thinking about now and I'm welling up in tears.

Sometimes when I look at the people I love I get filled with so much sadness, because I haven't figured out a way to deal with the idea of them not around... Gone... Forever.
My boyfriend always asks me "what's up?" when he catches me staring at him, I'd be admiring him and thinking about this issue at the same time. I do it with my family too and sometimes I'm able to brush it off and enjoy the moment but sometimes it's too overwhelming that it breaks me into pieces and crushes my mood for days.
I talk a lot and joke around all the time that I annoy myself sometimes, but when I'm overcome by these thoughts my days become gloomy and I don't find reason to joke around or talk about anything.. It's very frustrating because deep down I'd want to get back to the bubbly me but it would be impossible to automatically switch moods. I'd have to patiently wait for everything to calm down in my head and live along.

I wake up grateful to God every morning, for having kept me alive to witness more love from the people close to me, and I pray that He washes off the pain of death from all of us one day.

This love hurts.

And this post is very much open for discussion, if anyone out there experiences the same or even different... please share, don't be locked up in those thoughts alone!!!

I would If I could...

Haven't written in a while... 

This how I feel missing someone very close and dear to my ♥,
when this distance causes nothing but sadness in my ♥, 
I simply compiled this in 4 stanzas that only I completely understand to the core... 
But perhaps you can also relate, on situations putting doubt on certain reactions following particular emotions.

I would if I could but I can’t, or maybe I can... Just one day I might let it all out 😔.

Recent Dreams... Of Her!

Ok Ok, another post about my late great-grams... i loved the lady alright!!

In my whole life,
I've lost 3 closest people to "death"
These three are/were of my bloodline
Great-grand dad in 1999
Grandmother in 2003
And my great-grand mother in 2014

All these 3 occasions were the most exceptionally sad in my life
Though each different to the other
My great-grand dad(whom my mom used to call PAPA) passed on when I was 7 years old
Come to think of it today, I was honestly confused
My heart was telling me that this is the norm, people die and we all have to let go,
That its just given and that there was nothing wrong with the picture
But my mind was just following everyone else around me,
"cry Kokie, everyone else is, please by all means, Cry with them"
I think the most reason I cried on my great grand dad's funeral...
was due to seeing my mom crying uncontrollably so(no one likes seeing their mother cry)

My grandmother passed on when I was 11 of age
Strangely, not much had changed from when i was 7, my heart was singing the same tune still,
But my mind this time was fogged by the painful thoughts of never going to see her again
I had created by this time, unforgettable memories with her, during her illness and prior
She had taught me most of the few things I was exceptionally good at,
She was my second mom, and the thought of never seeing her again was devastating.
On her funeral, I was crying for myself, and no one else.

Then recently came the passing on my great-grams
From my prev posts I believe one can make their own conclusion as to how I handled that one
This time I was crying from Everyone
Maybe because I'm older now...
Everything seems to sink in with analysis first and then the struggle of making sense
The pressure of enhancing the strength within,
The eruption of the "ME" that I have grown to be.

I hardly ever dream of people that have passed on
Never dreamed of my great-grand dad.
Dreamed of my grandmother only ONCE.
And last night was my 3rd time dreaming of my great-grandma,
2nd time this weekend alone, and in both dreams she's asking how things are.
Huge smile on her face in all of them
Last night I was able to give her a huge tight hug and told her I missed her
She made me tea and went on about her business, singing her Hmm-Hmm song

Well I know most dreams always seem REAL
But in these last 2dreams, yes they felt and seemed real...
however they had some deep sense of acceptance in them that she is gone
Gone but still around
Gone but still felt and able to be spoken to and be "seen?"
Gone but still looking over us and caring about how things are.
This first dream was strange,
probably because it was the 1st and was just full of pain and confusion
Yet the last 2 dreams were very satisfactory, like they fulfilled some type of hunger
Like I needed them.
What they meant I have no idea, But they filled me up somehow and I'm grateful.

I am super glad she "visits"
I really have no other better way of explaining how all of this make me feel.
or how they just come about to happen.
How to make you understand all of it,
I'm just glad it all happens, gives me something to think about,
Reminds me of the life I should be grateful for,
The people in it that I should definitely appreciate.
I'm really glad it happens, as its a Wake-Up call.
I literally and figuratively and any other way, wake up after all this :).

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER AGAIN!!

GRAMS - Its a new year & you're really not here!!! **2015

You taught me prayer
I pray today because of you
You inspired a belief within me
You were the Master of our tiny family
What are we to do without you???

You have instilled within us

The most honourable teachings a parent can ever instil
We are trying by all means to go on
But believe me its hard
No one else gets us
No one else will ever love us like you did/do (for I believe you still do wherever you are)
No one else can satisfactorily ensure our safety and health
No one else can demonstrate the absolute care that you naturally expressed

I miss you every day and that is no lie

On the 8^th of Jan 2015, you occupied my dreams for the 1^st time since you left us
It was a wonderful dream, I was ^*preggies and we went on a road trip to Durban
On arrival when we returned it was raining hard, I was so scared that I went into labour,
You were right there next to me to soothe the pain,
Rubbing and massaging my belly ensuring me that you will always be there...
... And that I shouldn’t worry.
I guess rubbing the pain away and calming us down has always been your thing.
I cried when I woke and realised it was all a dream,
Wished to not have yet awakened, just so to feel your warm hands a little longer.
I cried at the remembrance of you telling me you cannot wait to see and take care of my children,
Now it saddens me to think that even when ‘they’ come, you’re not here, at least not physicallyL.

Alright well enough sobbing, it’s the New Year grams and we welcome it with a Bang J

Mom finally bought her dream car, but you probably already know that.
She was taken by the Mokones’ and I bet you are thrilled at that since you always wished they do.
Things are looking ‘Okay’ except the fact that; we all wish you were here to share this HAPPINESS with us.
Ginah started CrècheJ, still getting used to it... IF you can, please help her settle.
Omphile still makes us proud with school results; she did extremely well and is going to 2^nd Grade...
... IF you can, please help keep her as focused.
And well as for me, I’m supposed to finish my studies this year and I truly hope to.
I’m prepared to do whatever it takes... IF you can, please help keep my study spirit alive.
You always asked when I’m graduating, because you wanted to see me in that gown.
I asked you for patience, ignorantly taking TIME for granted because little did I think that you might not be there,
I knew it was possible but I always applied law of attraction hoping it extends ‘your’ years,
While God’s plan was a rather different one.

Well, No More procrastination I swear...

This borrowed time needs be used wisely as if it’s the last we have.
Mom also still cries at the thought of you... IF you can, Please soothe her pain with more blessings.
I probably sound quite demanding, but Koko IF you can, please scrap off this fear you know we still have, help us maintain the ‘strength and fearlessness’ you always attained.

Love and Miss you Always and Forever...

TILL WE MEET AGAIN *LegadimanaNtweng

ACCEPTANCE

To accept, you need not to completely understand

But to completely understand and move on, you need to accept

Acceptance isn’t hard, but painful

It is powerfully courageous towards an “understanding” mission, which may sometimes be difficult

Not impossible, but just difficult, or rather I say challenging

Most times when reality strikes hard we tend to lose focus

And then turn the blame on God

He wouldn’t test our patience and faith abilities if He didn’t think it necessary

We are most certainly stronger than we may appear to be

We just lack to believe that we are

Being hard on ourselves will only break us

So we need to accept

Our hearts may be broken, eyes extremely wet

Slightly running out of breath

But reality check – life has to go on

It awaits nobody, and it is not guaranteed eternity

We are Born, We are Raised, We are Loved, and We Grow

We see, we hear, we say, we feel

We witness, we experience, and we learn to live, to love and to leave

We are capable of anything, nothing is impossible

Acceptance is not impossible

Sometimes what we do does not define who we are

We don’t feel offence because we lack wisdom

We don’t cry because we are weak

We are human, and sensitivity is our most extraordinary founding character

What defines who we are is how well we stand after falling

How well we mend ourselves after breaking

Love without limit, Forgive without doubt

Speak without fear, Smile every pain away

Look up to God and say “You’re still the greatest!”

Thank him for what you have, and what you’ve had till this very day

Who you have and who you’ve had till this moment

And most importantly, another day to live, learn, and love

For all the days you’ve had since the very first

Good or Bad

Happy or Sad

Just Accept

Because somewhere out there, somewhere up there

There’s more than a few that love and adore you

More than a few that is less privileged than you are

Be grateful and learn to accept

Learn to believe that all is done in His Powers

Because His Will shall always be done

Tears are dried through acceptance

A smile is created through believing, through acceptance

A heart is healed and made happy through understanding, through acceptance

And the engine of Life awaits your ignition

Your very own happiness can only be determined and created by you and Him

Just accept!

GONE…

27/10/2014

This day marks a full month since we buried you

Yet I still question the reality of it all

Here’s what’s in my heart...

 

Helpless

Breathless

Lifeless

This is your current state of being, such being I still refuse to believe

Not around yet I feel your presence

I may not see you

Touch or even speak to you

But your memories are never faded

It’s because of these memories that I so long to be with you now

To hear your voice, to see your smile

To get a squeezing hug from you

When I heard… I felt I was in a dream

In desperate need of being awakened

At the thought of you gone… Tears form in my eyes at the speed of light

They run down my face like an overflowing river

My heart pounds in painful disbelief and I still hope I’m dreaming

Falling asleep is nearly impossible

I lay there tossing and turning

Wishing and hoping to get a phone call

… With your joyful voice at the other end of the line

I promise I’m trying my best to digest this

Trying to accept it with all my might

If you’re really gone, If you can see me, if you can hear me

If you are my most recent Angel

Then I pray that you grant me the strength to move on

To fully accept that you’re GONE!!

I TRULY MISS YOU GRAMS

‘TILL WE MEET AGAIN

RAESEJA SALAMINAH MALATSE – LOVE YOU FOREVER

GRANDMA (KOKO)

I get pissed at them saying “she gave up too soon”...

It frustrates me because NOBODY knows the pain she was going through.

 

We are sinking in our very own pool of tears for we were never ready to let her go.

For it feels just too sudden; she was too strong to fall so sudden.

Was she tired?? Everyone gets tired one may suppose and I won’t be angry at her for that

 

Right this moment, in this situation... I feel a muddle of different emotions.

**I feel HAPPY; for God’s will was done, for we cannot see her suffering any longer, she is healed, rested, and will remain our guide for infinity and beyond, she did all she could with all her might to shape and protect her family.

**I feel SAD; for I will never see her again, I will never get to hear her laugh, shout at me and tell me she loves me at the same time. I’m Sad because my little sisters will miss her dearly, and because they will not get to experience the many years I had with her and wished they could get too.

**I feel UPSET; at the fact that now everyone thinks they knew what was going on! Now everyone thinks they can tell what the problem was! IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT!!! They were never there when the problem needed to be dealt with! Now that God took care of it, they feel it’s time to say what should’ve been done! It is wrong and annoying.

**I feel GLAD; because she fought for some period of time, for some people it may seem like it was a short while, but for a strong person to actually feel and be at some point defeated by pain must mean the pain is definitely unbearable. She probably must have had the pain all along and was just not letting it out.

**I feel SICK; at the fact that she was then never diagnosed.

**I feel TIRED; from the many sleepless nights crying at the thought of her being unable to do for self, at the thought of her being that weak.

**I feel PROUD; that she was MY granny, that she accomplished all she could, that she knew how much I loved her, that she constantly reminded me how proud she actually was of me, that she raised me the way she did, and that she instilled in me the most important principles of life and the most moral virtues one needs to have.

**I feel BLESSED; because her last words to me were “I love you, be strong and God Bless”

 

I will NOT question GOD.

But I will cry, and a lot for that matter;

Not because I wish it could be undone, but simply because I will miss her so very much.

I will cry at the pain of loss that I can only imagine my mom is going through.

I will cry at the thought of my sister having had not enough time with her.

I will cry at the memory of her voice, the precious smile she always wore, the jokes she used to crack, the oh-so-unforgettable things she used to say, the dance moves she always had. She always knew how to make everyone laugh and have a good time.

 

I will cry at the memory of her calling one person with all her children's names.

I will cry at the memory of her “HMM-HMM SONG” one that she always sang unaware, one that gave her away, her own sweet signature, her trend.

 

Allow me to cry, for it’s my only way to feel better. I just need to be hugged and given allowance to cry for my own reasons without having to feel bad about it!

 

I WILL CRY FOR AS LONG AS I WANT!
I KNOW SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!! TIL I MEET HER AGAIN