Ok Ok, another post about my late great-grams... i loved the lady alright!!
In my whole life,
I've lost 3 closest people to "death"
These three are/were of my bloodline
Great-grand dad in 1999
Grandmother in 2003
And my great-grand mother in 2014
All these 3 occasions were the most exceptionally sad in my life
Though each different to the other
My great-grand dad(whom my mom used to call PAPA) passed on when I was 7 years old
Come to think of it today, I was honestly confused
My heart was telling me that this is the norm, people die and we all have to let go,
That its just given and that there was nothing wrong with the picture
But my mind was just following everyone else around me,
"cry Kokie, everyone else is, please by all means, Cry with them"
I think the most reason I cried on my great grand dad's funeral...
was due to seeing my mom crying uncontrollably so(no one likes seeing their mother cry)
My grandmother passed on when I was 11 of age
Strangely, not much had changed from when i was 7, my heart was singing the same tune still,
But my mind this time was fogged by the painful thoughts of never going to see her again
I had created by this time, unforgettable memories with her, during her illness and prior
She had taught me most of the few things I was exceptionally good at,
She was my second mom, and the thought of never seeing her again was devastating.
On her funeral, I was crying for myself, and no one else.
Then recently came the passing on my great-grams
From my prev posts I believe one can make their own conclusion as to how I handled that one
This time I was crying from Everyone
Maybe because I'm older now...
Everything seems to sink in with analysis first and then the struggle of making sense
The pressure of enhancing the strength within,
The eruption of the "ME" that I have grown to be.
I hardly ever dream of people that have passed on
Never dreamed of my great-grand dad.
Dreamed of my grandmother only ONCE.
And last night was my 3rd time dreaming of my great-grandma,
2nd time this weekend alone, and in both dreams she's asking how things are.
Huge smile on her face in all of them
Last night I was able to give her a huge tight hug and told her I missed her
She made me tea and went on about her business, singing her Hmm-Hmm song
Well I know most dreams always seem REAL
But in these last 2dreams, yes they felt and seemed real...
however they had some deep sense of acceptance in them that she is gone
Gone but still around
Gone but still felt and able to be spoken to and be "seen?"
Gone but still looking over us and caring about how things are.
This first dream was strange,
probably because it was the 1st and was just full of pain and confusion
Yet the last 2 dreams were very satisfactory, like they fulfilled some type of hunger
Like I needed them.
What they meant I have no idea, But they filled me up somehow and I'm grateful.
I am super glad she "visits"
I really have no other better way of explaining how all of this make me feel.
or how they just come about to happen.
How to make you understand all of it,
I'm just glad it all happens, gives me something to think about,
Reminds me of the life I should be grateful for,
The people in it that I should definitely appreciate.
I'm really glad it happens, as its a Wake-Up call.
I literally and figuratively and any other way, wake up after all this :).
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER AGAIN!!
